Marriage Part 2: Unforgiven

In Christianity, one thinks of oneself undeservedly forgiven by God.

This fact changes things drastically in marriage, or at least it should.

It should make me, a married man, less self-righteous, quicker to forgive.

It should keep Sharon and me current on issues of dispute, resolving them and moving on.

Not storing them up as leverage to be applied against each other later.


Image courtesy of luigi diamanti at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Marriage part 1: Opposites

Sharon and me, 1982

About six years ago I started a little wedding business on the side.

To date I've hitched about 30 couples.

One of the requirements for my involvement is that couples sit with me for two sessions of pre-marriage counseling. I give them homework and in our discussions we get pretty deep into their relationship and issues.

Couple after couple, patterns emerge.

One is that many soon-to-be "man and wife" are opposite each other in significant ways.

For example, it's often the case that she leads with emotion, he with logic.

Or she's extroverted, he introverted.

Sometimes in both categories it's the other way around.

It seems to me if your spouse is opposite you in a significant way you need to value the difference. 

But I find that many couples hadn't thought of this. They tolerate difference but I wouldn't say they value it.

In my own marriage it took me a long time to value those "opposite" traits in Sharon. I'm abstract, theoretical, metaphorical. She's (weirdly) concrete, practical, literal.

I guess I assumed for a long time, at least subconsciously, that Sharon would come around to see the world the right way -- my way.

Then one day I woke up and began to think that my spouse being different than me was a gift from the Lord, a counter-balance to even me out a bit. 

Maybe Sharon was there to pull me out of the clouds on occasion and ground my feet in the real world (over-rated!).

Church Drop-outs: Why They Leave the Church, Part 6

When my daughter Kelli was in middle school she and her friends often choreographed dance routines -- some rather elaborate -- to their favorite tunes.

A few hours of tumbling and thumping on the upstairs floors of our home would eventually lead to a big dance performance, which my wife and I took in eagerly with much applause.

It occurred to me that Jesus, too, was watching the kids perform.

Maybe Jesus had even taken an active role in drawing the kids into their jumps and twirls in the first place.

Kelli in 1998

I mentioned this to my then 13-year old daughter. "Kelli," I said. "Jesus likes it when you dance."

It sounded strange coming out my mouth, certainly different than what I was accustomed to hearing in evangelical churches, which was . . . (silence).

* * *

My suggestion for churches that want to hang on to their kids and not lose them from the faith in the college-age years and 20s, is to "actively affirm." *

That is, as young people gradually develop their identity and zero in on a life-calling, we need to actively affirm their interests and passions, and connect them to God.

I wonder what would happen to teenagers in a church where their artistic and intellectual skills and "culture-making" practices were affirmed as truly spiritual.

How about a science fair at a church? An art exhibit featuring works by teenagers? A debate? Poetry slam?

All this interwoven with teaching from the Bible about what it means to develop as image bearers and culture makers.

* * *

Life in its breadth and fullness is sacred. All of life (except sin) is a gift from God, which includes tripping the light fantastic.


* Affirming students' passions and interests is an important -- and missing -- piece in evangelical discipleship. Of course such affirmation doesn't guarantee students will stay in the faith. But I believe it will help.

For more on image-bearing and culture making, see Andy Crouch's two books, Culture Making and Playing God. Excellent reading.

Church Drop-outs: Why They Leave the Church, Part 5

My basic point in this series of posts is that when students grow into their "true selves" in Christ, they are likely to remain steadfast in the faith.

But when spiritual engagement and church life feel artificial, boring, obligatory or moralistic, there's a good chance young people will check out (or just drift away).

They will look to discover their true selves elsewhere.

Wouldn't it be cool if, say, hockey-kid learned from parents and church that the elements of skating, puck-handling, teamwork and camaraderie are created and given by God to be enjoyed, cherished, appreciated.

And when the kid says, "hockey is in my blood," and thinks of it as part of his true self, he believes God is right there with him, not waiting impatiently for hockey practice to finish so that he, the kid, can get back to "real" spirituality consisting of Bible study, prayer, tithing and singing worship songs.

But in my experience it would be the rare church that teaches anything like all that. Here's why:

Church leaders often lack a theology of vocation and human flourishing. Slap shots and agile skating* don't seem to have a legitimate place in the kingdom of God, certainly nothing like memorizing Scripture or other religious activities.

My recommendation: The church needs to recover a theology of vocation and human flourishing. This begins with a strong view of creation and imago dei.

Genesis.

But for many evangelicals, creationism and all its rich resources have been diverted away for a single purpose: soldiering in the creation-evolution wars.

Too bad. While boomers like myself are fighting these wars, we starve our own kids of the spiritual nutrition they need to discover their created, crafted, intended, called true selves, made in the image of God.

* * * * *

Okay, assuming the church recovered a theology of vocation and human flourishing, how would we teach it to young people?

I'll write about it next week.


*And later in life: selling real estate or running an antique shop or playing in a band.

graphic credit: By Hedavid http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AAmateur_ice_hockey_skates.jpg