Marriage Part 5: Choosing to Love

Gary Chapman's five "Love Languages" are these:

1. Quality Time
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Physical Touch
4. Receiving Gifts
5. Acts of Service

My wife Sharon's love language is #5, Acts of Service.

But it's not my native language to "speak," so to speak.

I think the Lord has gotten a decades-long chuckle out of this.

In what's known as covenant marriage in the church, my calling is to learn this foreign tongue -- Acts of Service.

I'm terrible at it. 

And I have a great excuse: God didn't make me that way.

Another chuckle from above.

* * *

For the last 20 years I've been trying to learn some new vocabulary words: snow removal, dishes, garbage, shower stall, raking, lawn mower, toilets. 

The idea of serving Sharon on her terms is starting to seep into my soul, now in our 33rd year of marriage. 

With God's help, right practice can change a heart. 

Marriage Part 4: Separating Past from Present

It's not uncommon to hear the following phrases from the couples I work with in pre-marriage counseling, as they speak with each other:

You always . . . 

That would be just like you . . . 

Oh here we go again . . . 

Why even bother . . . 

Such language suggests unfinished business lurking in the background, now thickly backlogged.

My suggestion to couples is to keep issues separate. 

Today's dispute should be about today's issue, not an accumulation of issues.

So let's say he has a pattern of ditching her on occasion to hang out with some hunting buddies.

His excuse is that this "away" time makes him a better husband.

Actually, not a bad argument. A little time here or there with some old friends, away from one's spouse, can be a good thing.

The problem in this case is that the couple never decided together that these excursions could take place, and how long/often.

Do that first. Settle the past.

Secondly, as a separate (but related) issue, talk about his latest op for a turkey hunt with the guys.

Now she can no longer say, "Here we go again." Rather, she should confine her words to the merits of this particular situation.

And he would be wise to adopt a humble posture while negotiating this little getaway.


photo credit: http://memosforme.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/wild-turkey1-adult-male-southwestern.jpg

Marriage Part 3: Being Right

Every few weeks I talk on the phone with my friend, Marion Anderson.

She's 91.

She's also wise beyond her considerable years.

Me, I'm just wise enough to ask her advice. On marriage, for example.

"Don't sweat the little things," is one of her favorite adages.

From the perspective of husband Johnny gone on to glory several years ago, she tells me to treasure every moment I'm given with Sharon.

And to avoid tripping over things that don't matter.

Like?

Like having to be right all the time.

So let's say I drop off our Ford SUV at the auto mechanic at 8am on a Monday morning and ask Sharon to swing by and get me.

At 8:30am, however, I'm still stranded at the garage, now having dialed her phone about 15 times.

Finally she picks up. "Ohhh. I thought you said Tuesday," she protests.

But I know I said "today." I'm out of town Tuesday -- doesn't she remember that?

There's no doubt, I'm right about this . . . as usual!

* * *

According to Marion Anderson, there's a different way I should respond.

I should think to myself that in the long view, my time with Sharon is limited. We won't be together forever, and it's this "forever" perspective that should melt the edge of my steel pride.

So at 8:40am when I climb into Sharon's car a little miffed, I ought to say with a smile on my face, "Forget about your husband? Old age creeping in?"

And when she says, "I heard 'Tuesday,'" I ought to reply with, "Yeah, I might have said 'Tuesday' but I meant Monday. You're supposed to read my mind."

And maybe Sharon laughs at my lame attempt at humor (or maybe not) and gives me a little kiss (one hopes), while acknowledging the misunderstanding.

* * *

Checklist of one item for resolving disputes with spouse (or co-worker or friend, etc.):  To what extent is this argument about my need to be right?


graphic credit: Marshall Cretin Service Center in St. Paul where we do business.