Marriage Part 8: Tone of Voice

A couple I know has been married 40+ years.

Recently I spent a few days with them.

Three things I noticed:

1. They listen to each other.

2. They're polite to each other.

3. They serve each other.

#2 above, politeness, is in danger of becoming a dinosaur in our culture, even in marriage.

Just look at TV and social media, which adore the sassy lady, the irreverent guy.  "Courteous and thoughtful," by contrast, is seen as boring.

* * *

I wish to be a polite husband. Tone of voice matters. Whatever the specific content of my words to Sharon, I want them wrapped in a package that says, "I respect you, I value you, I'm thinking of your needs."

But how easy it is to be a bit rude and crabby with those closest to us -- and supposedly get away with it.

Marriage Part 7: The Marriage Triangle

I like diagrams.

The Marriage Triangle is a favorite diagram of mine because it's simple and profound. Here's how it works:

As Sharon and I move "north" on the triangle toward the Lord Jesus, we move closer to each other as a married couple.

The opposite is also true. Moving south creates more space between us.

A critic may object that couples all over the world enjoy healthy marriages with no such Christian beliefs.

I would agree, to a point.

The Triangle, however, is based on the premise that God is the one who calls couples together.

Thus, embracing Jesus as the "integrating center" of a marriage reflects, truly, a match made in heaven.

The engaged couples I work with often think of religion as merely one segment of a broader life. One slice of a pie, perhaps.

That would be a very different diagram.

Marriage Part 6: What to do with our Money

My wife Sharon grew up a saver.

I grew up a spender.

Inside a spender's mind a little recording plays over and again:

I can afford this, no problem. What's a dollar or two -- or twenty or fifty -- in the grand scheme of things? 

I work hard. I deserve this little "payoff."

Sharon's counter-voice to this rationale is:

"Every dollar spent -- or saved -- adds up. It's a lifestyle. A mindset. Don't fritter away your resources."

After a few years of marriage, I decided she was right.

I converted. I've become a bona fide saver.

When I made the switch I had to admit that "spender" was not part of my essential self, and that I had no God-given entitlement to that way of life.

* * *

I grew up a giver, Sharon a saver.

She converted.

So the basic approach is to save and give but not spend.